AAFES Absolutely Awesome Fun Exciting Stuff!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Okay phew, had to get that out after I wrote that title. More like:

AAFES Absolutely Assinine Frustrating Experience Shopping

Legally, I hear it stands for Army Air Forces Exchange Service.

Frankly, it ought to stand for "Retards R' Us" because clearly, that's who is running it.

See, the concept is simple, it's a store where soldiers in country can buy goods and services. It can be tiny, like some Post Office/General Store/Gas Station/Banjo Repair Shop in a little mountain hamlet in WVa. It can be as large as a smaller but well provisioned multi-store area, with enclosed atriums and food courts and the like.

Basically, it's the military's version of a mall.

Now over here, understandably, selection is somewhat limited. You can't find every single thing you might find in a mall back in the states, and some part of the store is always reserved for military clothing and gear and what have you. Sure and that makes sense.

What doesn't make sense though, are some of their other choices. I'm in a desert, in Iraq, in a combat zone, living in a small space or sharing a tent with other people. You would think something useful might be, say, an ice maker. You put bottled water in, you get ice cubes out, and you can store them. It's the desert, ice isn't just good for your hawaiian punch, ice is really useful for keeping food cool, keeping camelbacks (portable water backpacks) cool, putting in front of fans as an instant cheap and portable AC system and so on. Ice is just really really useful here.

Do we get ice makers?

No.

We get 60 inch RPTVs.

Let's think about that. First, no one has space for a 60 inch TV that's about four feet thick. These aren't thin plasmas, they're honking big rear screen projection TV's. Second, even if someone below the rank of Major General DID have the space for one, there's no damn way to get it back to your hooch, unless you have your entire squad hump it out to the mini-bus and tie it to the roof, probably blowing out the donut sized tires in the process. Seriously. You're not going to sell any of these to anyone besides a major command looking for a quick replacement to a broken one somewhere. And they can just get one from regular supply.

So, no ice makers, but ridiculous TVs. And not just ONE large screen TV. Oh no, they have MULTIPLE models. The mind boggles as to who they think is buying these things IN IRAQ! Clue #1 AAFES: Dump these. Buy 3 models only:
One 7" personal LCD DVD player with an aux video input so we can play xbox on it. One 20" LCD model with both a built in DVD player AND a VGA input at 1024X768 resolution so we can play DVDs, XBOX OR hook our laptops up to it. And finally one 24" or 27" LCD model like the 20" model but with 1600X1200 VGA resolution. Done. That's it. Nothing bigger in a country where everyone is living in a shoe box or shared living space and power is spotty at best.

Clue numbah two: Refrigerators. There is no reason for these to be out of stock. Ever. It goes back to cold storage and it's value in a desert. HELLO McFLY! IRAQ = DESERT! Should be three models. A Small, mid-size and full size, with emphasis being on the mid size. End of Discussion. Are there ANY in the big PX? Nope. Nary a one. But holy god we've got enough irons to open the worlds largest laundry. Even though everyone is wearing standard rumply BDUs and everyone can get their laundry done and folded FOR FREE! Ditch the Irons. Get with the Fridges. This is not brain surgery.

As opposed to trying to treat this place as if it were "Anyplace USA", and just putting together a smaller hodge-podge selection, consider it for what it is, A wartime PX/BX in a DESERT. Desert = Heat/Hot/Hotness/And ALSO IT'S FUCKING HOT! We do not need electric toasters oh AAFES insane people. We can cook anything we want by just throwing it in the air and spearing the flaming bits as they come down.

Also, in the list of stupid things for which someone should be shot in teh face Dick Cheney style:

Do not sell Glade Electric Air Fresheners but Refills from Airwick. These are not compatible. It's just base stupidity. If you cannot get THAT right, it probably explains why you can't figure out that having plastic cups, silverware and napkins is not so useful without paper fucking plates... SWEET JESUS WHERE DID YOU PEOPLE COME FROM?!?!?!

Also, do not sell hamburgers and hot dogs without buns. That's just cruel & unusual. It's just mean. If you can get frozen meats shipped here, you can damn well ship the buns at the same time. It's not like they have to be routed on some special "bun supertanker".

It all makes the bunnies cry. It really does.

Other food items are really important too. We do not need 4000 different types of candy. There aren't any kids here, and the ones out in town aren't clamoring for a wider selection. Plus it all just turns to choco-goo anyways more than 5 feet out the door. Use the space for bags of ice, sunscreen and the like.

Triscuits. I dunno why there are no Triscuits in Iraq, but someone should be shot in the face TWICE for this. Triscuits are THE alternate food source of choice, since you can stack any combo of dogfood, bugs and canned cheeze spray on it and it's not only good, it's good for you. Bring back Triscuits like yesterday. Seriously. Eight triscuits and one piece of cheese, heated, is a dinner made in 20 seconds that can then be shoved into a plastic bag and eaten 18 hours later without issue under any circumstances. Accept no substitute.

Also, for the love of all that is holy, Please lose the cowboy Apocolypse Now style hats. I've been here over a month and I have yet to see a single one worn by anyone anywhere in theater. You want to sell something popular? Guayabera shirts and light material sweats and any other clothing designed for the heat. Also, Smaller shmeghs. The traditional one is simply too big to be as useful, make one that's about 1/2 the current size.

Regards,
-Bouncer-