Last Man Standing...

Just musing on the past a bit this morning. I am now the last man here in Baghdad from the team that moved operations from one location to another with zero downtime. I mean, we're talking 1500 users, lots of servers and lots of network support infrastructure. No mean feat to be taken on in the USA. But to do it in the middle of a warzone, well, let's just say we're talking lots of tricks and no small amount of on the fly engineering along with judicious use of spit and ducttape. I honestly think we earned the right to use the A-Team theme from this one. I love it, when a plan comes together.

It's kinda weird knowing that I am the senior man on site in terms of length of service though, as I had no intention of ever being *that* crusty old dude. And yet here I am, bent back, wobbly knees, cane and all. More or less.

I came to Baghdad with a plan, one year, maybe 18 months at the most. Make my goals, and then out. Now I've been here nearly double that, and I still haven't made my goals, in fact, sometimes I feel like I am starting all over again.

I won't get into why, it's definately as much my fault as anyone elses. Thing is, it can be depressing to feel like you have done three years or so in a place and really, haven't moved forward very much at all. Like you've wasted part of your life, spinning your wheels in gravel for too long; it's no longer cool, it just looks foolish.

In fact, I have learned the lesson of Sisyphus, whom the Gods had condemned to roll a rock up a hill. When he got right near the top the weight of the rock rolled back over him, and down the hill. And so he has to get up, dust himself off, go back, and start all over again. The punishment you see, is the feeling of futility and the knowledge of hopeless labor. And damn, that's how it feels sometimes. Forever and ever. Never raching the goal. And stuck in a place that more and more I don't really want to be.

The people are still good and that is what keeps me here I suppose. But as someone I respect said a while ago.. once you hit that wall, you just don't want to be here. More and more I feel like I have hit that wall. I don't want to be here. But I have that rock to push up that hill.

Regards,
-Bouncer-